Officials at Luminity College have announced a pilot solution to the age-old dilemma of dealing with serious drug use on expensive college campuses.
“After Operation Ivy League at Columbia, we had to come up with a plan other than just hoping our students wouldn’t get caught,” said Chancellor Drake Caesar, referencing the prosecution of five drug dealing Columbia University students.
“Our students come from families that have provided them with ample money and legal protection,” said Director of Campus Conduct Raymond Levine. “What other schools call ‘accountability’ is something we really can’t afford. We’re proud of our record of not suspending or expelling a student in several years and we would never do anything to threaten that streak.”
“Rather than fight accusations that we sweep our students’ mischievous behavior under the rug, we’ve teamed with our Career Preparation and Placement department and Campus Police to create campus-supervised internships for students caught selling cocain or other high-level drugs,” said Caesar. “We’re completely transparent about our students’ behavior but we’re modeling a compassionate educational discipline system rather than a antiquated punitive system. Other colleges can use those draconian practices when they dismiss felious students. We’re above that.”
“These students are learning real-world skills like finance management as well as the ‘street smarts’ our students are often accused of lacking,” said career counselor Morgan Fonda. “We don’t know of any other internship program as intense as ours.”
“It was okay, I guess,” said Alex Craig, the first student to complete the internship. “Last week my lawyer got my court case dismissed, so I’m annoyed that I had to write an essay to get internship credit. It seems unfair.”
“Fairness? If we flushed $60,000 of perfectly good tuition down the toilet, we’d be punishing the innocent students,” explained Vice President of Finance Becker Michaels. “We will never compromise our value of fairness.”
